Howie was a really nice guy.
the kind you’d bring home to Mother.
He was also really shy.
Just couldn’t connect to another.

And when he became seventeen
He’d watch the girlies and blush.
On dating he wasn’t keen.
His brain just turned into mush.

Had great eyes and was really cute!
The girls would flirt and sigh.
They’d talk and he’d turn mute.
And run if they came nigh.

No blind dates for this here fellow.
To the prom, he took his cousin.
With her, he was just mellow.
But it set all the girls to buzzin’.

For college, he went to Yale.
And it never went to his head.
Still handsome, but kinda pale.
His love life? Well, It was dead!

Got a great job in the city.
Made money hand over fist.
But man, it was a pity.
For he remained unkissed.

When he got older he knew
There was something drastic missing.
Even with ladies he drew
The line at merely kissing.

In his forties now he was desparate!
No chickies danced in his bed.
He kept his work totally separate,
From the steamy thoughts in his head.

He tried to date on the Internet
But that didn’t really work out.
In person, a date they would set.
He didn’t show, did you doubt?

Now here he is at age sixty five.
Still shy and he is a virgin!
He met a woman of just twenty five.
Now-----His hormones are surgin’!

He discusses things with his friends.
they tell him just what to do.
The means will justify the ends.
He’ll take the little pills of blue.

They take a trip to the Bahamas
At last! He’ll get some action.
All those bikini’d hot little mamas
He may wind up in traction!

His sweetie pie goes to get changed.
He swallows his blue pills to get ready.
He gets the bed all arranged,
And she shows up in her teddy!

He grabs her and gives her a hug.
They tumble on to the bed.
He falls out and lands on the rug.

He thought Viagra he was taking
But the label he didn’t read.
His last thought was earth shaking,
T’Was Vioxx that did the deed!

~ Swampetta (

© October 2004


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