I guess I lead a peaceful life—eating, sleeping and giving milk. I try to keep myself amused. I'm out in the pasture all day, munching grass and chewing my cud. It's pretty but boring. For entertainment I sometimes count the cars that go by and see which colors are the most popular. These days, a lot of cars and SUVs are metallic gray or silver—very classy. But I'd like to see more pretty colors like blue, red and green. There's a lady who drives by in a plum-colored Honda. That's different. When I get bored with cars, I check out the other cows. I have to keep my eye on Freddie; I know he's out there and he's waiting for a chance to jump me. He's a wild old bull and there's always a gleam in his eye. Sometimes I doze in the warm sunshine but my nap is always disturbed when Clem roars by on his motorcycle. Crazy old coot is always disturbing my peace. He's gonna turn my milk sour with all that unsettling racket. |
Question: What do you do when you see 'Freddy at the ready'?
I don't have to do a thing. Freddie is always ready. What a pushover! |
Dear Bossy- I got your E-mail about you possibly getting a transfer to Brown's Dairy Farm. I've been here since I was a wee calf so let me fill you in on our lovely facility. #1- The food here is very interesting. Naturally, the pasture is much better than the hay. We are fairly sure that the pasture is 100% organic but we think that there is some hormone stuff on the hay. (Some of the girls swear to it because they have put on weight. Of course, these are the same ones who eat like hogs.) #2- We have quite a few ladies groups here. Some of them are a bit clique-y, like the drama club. What a bunch of Divas! Some of my best friends here are Fluffy the goat and Ass-in-9, the mule. I do love diversity! #3- We have a lovely barn since they soundproofed it! It seems we are in a direct flight path from McGuire Air Force base and when they got busy a while back, we were all giving sour cream! We sleep like movie stars here,,,,,,,Well,,,,,almost. They don't give us drugs and booze. |
Question: How do you get along with Farmer and Mrs. Brown?
I get along fine with Farmer Brown. Even on the coldest winter days, he warms up his hands before he touches me, and I appreciate that. He uses cocoa butter lotion and his fingers are always smooth and gentle. Mrs. Brown is a shrew, always yelling and fussing. Her hands are rough and cold and she yanks on me without mercy. Farmer Brown always takes time to pet me and chase away the flies. He's a sweet old man. I don't know how he stands that witch he's married to. |
I have the most erotic dreams, Involving Ferdinand, the bull. He comes to me at night, it seems - With fantasies, my mind is full. We start off by rubbing noses, And next he sniffs me all over. Then roll in Farmer Brown’s roses, But thorns make us mooove to clover. |
Question: Do night noises upset you or is it quiet in the barn at night? Stupid cats! Wish they would quit squabbling in the hayloft. |
Dear Bossy:
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 Question: What is your best attention getter when you spot 'Freddie at the Ready'? Freddie is always ready. He's a horny old bull. I don't have to do anything to attract his attention. I think he favors me because most of the cows around here are black and white, but I'm white with pretty reddish brown spots. I think I'm pretty classy, and I guess Freddie does, too. Mooooooooooooooooo |
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People think a cow’s life is blah, Giving milk, having sex, and eating. But that’s really not how things are, Although fun moments are fleeting. Sometimes you’ll see our heads held high, Instead of chewing on the grass. Well, that’s when we’re playing “I spy”, Counting all of the cars that pass. © RickMack (jotoma@bellsouth.net) |
Dear Bossy:
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Question: How do you get Freddy's attention? Oh, my goodness, that’s just not me. I’m too bashful to play that game. Truthfully, it’s a mystery How cows bat lashes with no shame. I simply don’t know how to flirt, And call attention to my charms. Although I know I’m kind of pert, Compared to cows on local farms. © RickMack (jotoma@bellsouth.net) |
