Elsie the cow speaking:

Question: What do you do for entertainment?

I guess I lead a peaceful life—eating, sleeping and giving milk. I try to keep myself amused. I'm out in the pasture all day, munching grass and chewing my cud. It's pretty but boring. For entertainment I sometimes count the cars that go by and see which colors are the most popular. These days, a lot of cars and SUVs are metallic gray or silver—very classy. But I'd like to see more pretty colors like blue, red and green. There's a lady who drives by in a plum-colored Honda. That's different.

When I get bored with cars, I check out the other cows. I have to keep my eye on Freddie; I know he's out there and he's waiting for a chance to jump me. He's a wild old bull and there's always a gleam in his eye.

Sometimes I doze in the warm sunshine but my nap is always disturbed when Clem roars by on his motorcycle. Crazy old coot is always disturbing my peace. He's gonna turn my milk sour with all that unsettling racket.
© Frannie (Frannie516@aol.com)

Question: What do you do for food?

You’d be surprised what I have found,
While nibbling on pasture grass.
Most assorted blades on the ground
Are quite scrumptuous, but, alas,

There are lumps that are hard to chew,
Laying scattered about the place.
Perhaps you’ve found one neath your shoe -
We recycle at a fast pace.

RickMack (jotoma@bellsouth.net)

Question: What do you do when you see 'Freddy at the ready'?

I don't have to do a thing. Freddie is always ready. What a pushover!

© Sharon (Sunyskys1943@aol.com)

Dear Bossy- I got your E-mail about you possibly getting a transfer to Brown's Dairy Farm. I've been here since I was a wee calf so let me fill you in on our lovely facility.

#1- The food here is very interesting. Naturally, the pasture is much better than the hay. We are fairly sure that the pasture is 100% organic but we think that there is some hormone stuff on the hay. (Some of the girls swear to it because they have put on weight. Of course, these are the same ones who eat like hogs.)

#2- We have quite a few ladies groups here. Some of them are a bit clique-y, like the drama club. What a bunch of Divas! Some of my best friends here are Fluffy the goat and Ass-in-9, the mule. I do love diversity!

#3- We have a lovely barn since they soundproofed it! It seems we are in a direct flight path from McGuire Air Force base and when they got busy a while back, we were all giving sour cream! We sleep like movie stars here,,,,,,,Well,,,,,almost. They don't give us drugs and booze.
© Swampetta (SWAMPETTA@aol.com)

Question: How do you get along with Farmer and Mrs. Brown?

I get along fine with Farmer Brown. Even on the coldest winter days, he warms up his hands before he touches me, and I appreciate that. He uses cocoa butter lotion and his fingers are always smooth and gentle. Mrs. Brown is a shrew, always yelling and fussing. Her hands are rough and cold and she yanks on me without mercy. Farmer Brown always takes time to pet me and chase away the flies. He's a sweet old man. I don't know how he stands that witch he's married to.
© Frannie (Frannie516@aol.com)

Sweet Dreams

I have the most erotic dreams,
Involving Ferdinand, the bull.
He comes to me at night, it seems -
With fantasies, my mind is full.

We start off by rubbing noses,
And next he sniffs me all over.
Then roll in Farmer Brown’s roses,
But thorns make us mooove to clover.

© RickMack (jotoma@bellsouth.net)

Question: Do night noises upset you or is it quiet in the barn at night?

Stupid cats! Wish they would quit squabbling in the hayloft.
© Sharon (Sunyskys1943@aol.com)

Dear Bossy:

The Browns have been in business for generations and they sure know cows! The first Mrs Brown was almost a cow herself! Mr Brown is very much the businessman these days and he had the idea of those milking machines. Once you got used to them, it was better than being milked by hand when the person milking you was a bit angry or clumsy. The second Mrs Brown has no talent at all for milking. (Probably the 2 inch nails and the 3 carat diamond get in the way.)

#5- We have some lovely spots in the pasture. There are 3 water tanks there for our use. I prefer the one that's near the willows. Water's a bit cooler and the group there is more laid back and less gossip-y.

#6- We have a Veternarian who stops by at least every three months. She is a SAINT! Mr Brown was thinking of having us stay in the barn all the time in those little cubicles. She convinced him that we need to be in the sunlight and eating fresh clover. She also sold him some fantastic lotions to use on us. We are shiny and smell like "My Sin" by Lanvin.

© Swampetta (SWAMPETTA@aol.com)

Question: What is your best attention getter when you spot 'Freddie at the Ready'?

Freddie is always ready. He's a horny old bull. I don't have to do anything to attract his attention. I think he favors me because most of the cows around here are black and white, but I'm white with pretty reddish brown spots. I think I'm pretty classy, and I guess Freddie does, too. Mooooooooooooooooo
© Frannie (Frannie516@aol.com)

People think a cow’s life is blah,
Giving milk, having sex, and eating.
But that’s really not how things are,
Although fun moments are fleeting.

Sometimes you’ll see our heads held high,
Instead of chewing on the grass.
Well, that’s when we’re playing “I spy”,
Counting all of the cars that pass.

© RickMack (jotoma@bellsouth.net)

Dear Bossy:

#7- We have a variety of things to keep us entertained. The drama group usually puts on one of thier plays every month. Watching them rehearse is more fun than watching the completed play! We have our own computer and have access to the net. Of course it's a Gateway! We just have to make sure that we only access it when "The Help" have gone home. It's a good thing that Mr Brown doesn't check to see which sites have been visited! Oh! I forgot to mention the TV. One of "The Help" brought one in to watch when things are slow. All of us ADORE Oprah and Jerry Springer!

#8- There is only one thing that gets us concerned about life here. Those 4-H groups! What a pack of whining brats! They really cause a lot of trouble between the Divas and the rest of us girls. The Divas seem to thrive on the attention and get all 'Holstein-ier-Than-Thou' attitudes.

#9- We have noticed something that has brought us to realize how truly important we are. We always knew that our milk is vital to all sorts of foods, butter, yogurt, whipped cream---that sort of thing. We had CNN on the TV the other day, and we found out that our milk is now more EXPENSIVE than GASOLINE!!!!!! We are all on a pedestal now. Gotta love that Gross Domestic Product!

#10- You may have heard rumors about "Ready Freddy" our resident bull. Here's something that you should know, They Are ALL Rumors! Freddy hasn't been ready in a long time and even with the little blue pills the Vet has prescribed, he's all snort and no action! Mr Brown has ordered a NEW bull but Freddy doesn't know that yet. We have all been doing the Tail Twitch and the Udder Wiggle and acting like Hoochie Mamas to sort of get in practice. Freddy is convinced it's all for him! We know that the new bull was ordered from Antonio Banderas Ranch Estates. Can you only imagine!

Bossy, you are going to love it here! I'll let the girls know you are coming----Hopefully, before the new bull gets here. Love Ya, Mean it.....Elsie
© Swampetta (SWAMPETTA@aol.com)

Question: How do you get Freddy's attention?

Oh, my goodness, that’s just not me.
I’m too bashful to play that game.
Truthfully, it’s a mystery
How cows bat lashes with no shame.

I simply don’t know how to flirt,
And call attention to my charms.
Although I know I’m kind of pert,
Compared to cows on local farms.

© RickMack (jotoma@bellsouth.net)

Why not me? Mules are cute, too.

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